There is a plague I am fond with. One that haunts a lot of the 20-somethings that are doing big things. Inadequacy.
It’s kind of funny. Even at the door to happiness, the best of us pause. We take a second to contemplate whether we are truly worthy of what’s on the other side. When that cold shiver dilutes, and your thought process is clear again, you step through the doorway. Regardless of what your final answer was. Even if we were to assume inadequacy, it doesn’t seem to be as much of a deterrent to effort as one might think. It is truly cynical and is an extremely self deprecating zone, because the closer someone gets to your heart, the easier it is for them to make you feel inadequate.
This manifestation of doubt isn’t something that can be easily combated. I have yet to find the best way to ignore that stream of ideas. Even after I’ve managed to find a way to be happy with the man I am I still get hit with waves of “he’s not enough”. Especially when writing. I get the sweats, the shakes, and I can’t help but feel that the sentence I just wrapped up in punctuation could have been better. When I read over something I post on here, my instinct is to chop it down into little bite sized pieces of “almost good”. It can be hard to live with. But my introvert personality, mixed with my writers brain will do terrible things to my self confidence. It’s why I’ve worked so hard to find magical people to surround myself with.
Tautou, she will ALWAYS know what I’m talking about. It’s a pleasantry that everyone with a self destruct button should keep. Just another great human being that I can say “Hey, I had this really fucked up thought. Any ideas on why?” and she will know. Fans help. I always take great pride and hold the compliments I receive on such a high pedestal. Those who love me, pat me on the back, reassure me of my greatness, and we all move on. It is these things, and only these combined that has afforded me the stability to progress through the experience I’ve had writing on this site.
I had an astoundingly flawless long weekend. Maradona and I did pretty much nothing. ALL weekend long. It was what I needed. On saturday I got to see a large portion of the Tofino family, whom I miss dearly. Great food, amazing people. The perfect dinner encompassed by laughter, and reminiscing. Sunday was the best day of them all. Not only was I surrounded by positive feelings, I had a gorgeous woman, a lovely puppy, and ACTUAL AMERICAN FOOTBALL on the television. Football in which aforementioned beautiful woman enjoys just as much! *Cha Ching!*
“They say that love is forever
Your forever is all that I need
Please stay as long as you need
Can’t promise that things won’t be broken
But I swear that I will never leave
Please stay forever with me” -Sleeping With Sirens
Last night we went for a stroll along the boardwalk here in New West. I couldn’t help but get lost in how the world melted away around us. The cold breeze playing with the hair. The sound of Jayne’s leash jingling. The smell of salt mixed with Maradona’s scent forcing me to re-catch my stride. The ease of calm placed over the water seemingly for our enjoyment. The sheet of dancing lights reflected in the flow of the river. Even the soft squish of the wood beneath my sneakers as we trotted into a sense of effortless sanity. Intoxicating. I slept better that night than I have in recent memory. I am elated by her abundance of surprises, and I cannot wait for my sidekick to meet her.
It was all wrapped up in the perfection of each others company. Literally anything can be going on around me, if I’m with her, I care not, want not.“If you can’t laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.” – Garden State