I know, you thought I was turning new leaves, making new strides, what ever flavour of self-righteous hope that may have come across. But indeed I feel weak, and today was no different.
You see the part that still tightens my throat like anaphylactic love, is the plans. I had plans. Hopes. Dreams. And everything was dependant on having that person right beside me along the way. She was a catalyst to most of my plans. It’s no shock that the past has taught me a lot of things. I learned a lot from that women, and she made me a better human being. Just a week ago, I was still under the impression that all my grande plans would still reside right on that fridge list I made (in my head).
These days, I’m closer to resembling a lost child that has lost his parents at the mall, than a man with potential. When it jumps up out of nowhere and bites me square in the neck it hurts the most. I started looking at apartments this week… my own home. Not our home, not a home for the goodness of flourishing fondness. A home for just me… and the pup. Every time I wanted to ask a question, or comment on a feature of the apartments, I would instinctively look to my side and expect the sound words of a ghost to turn my positivity into cold hard pros. Yet it isn’t there. Just something that was there, and I leaned on. A once was that no longer is. My opinion and thought process is my own, and it has all of the pressure to make the decisions.
Every walk I take is longer, because I try and avoid the house that we once planned on staying in long term. Every grocery I buy is halved. Every phone call I get is sans her. And I’m stuck in a redundant circle of things I can’t grasp. Yet when I am presented with the fuel to be happy, I can live in a completely different circle. It’s not rocket science. It’s harder. Something no one will ever be able to look at me in the face and say “Wyatt… THIS is how to fix it”.
I keep getting told that I’m young. “You’re so young, you’ve got so much living to do. So much to gain and enjoy.”
The point you don’t get, is I’m not ignorant. Perhaps that’s too harsh. I do VERY much appreciate the positivity and love I have gotten from the loved ones I have. But the fight I’m having is that I do know that I’m young. I do know that I’ve got a lot in the headlights. The part that is eye-watering-ly painful to confess to myself is that I have to do it without the person I wanted to. And thirty-five percent of that is the lack of confidence I hold unto myself.
Yes, I will see the light. Today was just a mentally shady day. I will have better ones. I need to re-invent myself. And it seems that I’ve got to dig a lot deeper to find a good starting point. I have to focus on changing gears in my mind and set the car on self-drive. Emotional autopilot if you will. And that is the joy that was my monday.